SEX! Can Make or Break a Relationship.

by Rachael Ross, MD, PhD

Functional Care and Sexual Medicine

Sex can make or break a relationship. The desire to be sexual with another person is a natural and healthy human impulse. But the skills to be open to enjoy it while also being knowledgeable and confident enough to become a great lover are not a given. These are learned skills. Does an award-winning tennis player wake up one day and just watch a how-to video, and instantly transform her/himself into a top-ranked player? Did Michael Jordan pick up a basketball and overnight become the basketball sensation that he is known as? No, he did not. He had coaches who encouraged him to spend thousands of hours practicing, learning new skills, and implementing strategies. A superstar is not born overnight. Becoming a good lover is no different. Sometimes you need a coach!  

Sex skills can be hard to come by because talking about sex can be awkward for a number of us. Many of us were taught that sex is not to be discussed. It is a private thing, and talking about it makes you too loose, too free, a weirdo, a pervert, a whore. Hence for many of us, talking about sex equals shame. And for those of us who grew up in a Christian household, we were taught that Christian sex is a sin until you’re married, and once you say ‘I do,’ all the thoughts of shame, especially for women, that were drilled into our heads should’ve been magically replaced with feelings of duty and commitment. 

 But when you are comfortable, confident, open, and aware of what you like, sex can be fulfilling, amazing, freeing – and fantastic. So, if you find yourself in a situation or a relationship where sex has become unsatisfying and a drag, ask for sexual medicine help.

How to get what you want in bed

Passion, desire, and sex drive are fueled partially by novelty and anticipation. Because you may know a lot about your long term partner, sometimes after years together, it may be easier and more comforting to think of them as your BFF rather than someone that you once had sexual fireworks with. This well-known phenomenon occurs when long-term relationships are no longer infused with sexual passion. When that happens, your sex drive starts to diminish little by little until you can no longer look at each other as you object of sexual desire.   

An impressive body of research on sex and sexual passion has shown that in the brain chemistry of a person passionately in love, the hormone dopamine, which fuels desire, is very high and takes the lead. The interesting thing is that the more mystery comes into play – does he or she want me? The more he/she is unavailable, the more someone seems preoccupied and elsewhere, the more into them we become. Blame it on the science of love and passion. The passion, dopamine (energy), and desire (libido) are all essential parts of your sex drive.

Make your move

If you want to have mind-blowing sex and have fulfilling relationships, instead of empty ones, help your partner become a better lover. The first step is to connect with him/her in new ways. Explore sensuality without the let’s rush and be done with it. Avoid having passionless sex, mechanical sex, sex the way you’ve always done it. Be adventurous, creative… make it fun. For example, ask him/her about fantasies. Ask if he/she wants to talk about it without the necessary pressure of doing it right then, but instead exploring a dialogue. Take things into your hands. Step outside the box and when the two of you are in the car together, give him/her a ‘happy ending.’ We ALL have it in us. 

Know that there are likely so many unexplored parts of your sexual expression. Ask yourself which ones they are – and more importantly, if you what to go there.

• Do you believe you deserve to have mind-blowing sex? 
• Do you believe you can, no matter how long you’ve been in your relationship, still drive him or her wild with desire? 
• Are the sex taboos you have learned from your family and society stopping you from exploring and enjoying sex to its fullest? 
• Can you see yourself becoming a sex-god or goddess either again or for the first time in your life? 

Know that you absolutely can. And if you have any doubts, I am here to help you get there.  

I can help you put together a strategy that will undoubtedly bring Sexy Sex Back into your life.

Dr. Rachael Ross, MD; PhD, is a certified sexologist, functional/integrative family medicine physician, and founder of The Dr. Rachael Institute. She served as a cohost on the syndicated talk show The Doctors for three consecutive seasons, and now returns to Southern California to join the internationally acclaimed Akasha Center for Integrative Medicine.